I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
