I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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