please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
