I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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