Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
