if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
