We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
