i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
