I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
