When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
