i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
