Sry I called you an 8
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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