I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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