listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
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There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
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You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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