is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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