I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
