I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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