That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
