Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
