every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
