cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
