I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
