thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
