There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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