That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
