so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
