While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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