Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
