I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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