My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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