i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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