that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
