you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
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She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
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No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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