Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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