nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
