Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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