did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
