so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
