please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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