News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Sober January is a disaster.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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