my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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