you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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