I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
