plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
