there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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