dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
