Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
