I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
