you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
