I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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