What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
