It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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