I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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