we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
