haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
