just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
