Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
